Do you know what I hate about mental illness? It lies to you. About everything. It tells you you’re not good enough, that you’re taking up space, that you should just end everything now.
Thankfully, my darkest depression is behind me. And I no longer get those intense, soul-sucking, heart-aching thoughts.
But I’m still anxious.
And so sometimes, I worry that the people who love me have suddenly decided to stop.
No, for reals you guys.
I become convinced that my boyfriend, my mum, my brother, my friends, everyone in my tiny little love cocoon have woken up and gone, “Eh. Katherine’s kinda…I dunno…boring? Annoying? Too much? Too little? I’ve had enough of her.”
It’s ludicrous. My rational, sane part knows that.
How do I know? Because I’m not like that. I don’t suddenly stop loving the people in my life. I don’t have a switch inside me that suddenly goes ‘off’ on my feelings for those dearest to me. So why would I assume others suddenly go off me? Why do I think that they’ll treat me like expired milk – one whiff and I’m tossed in the bin?
So, a part of me knows it’s my mental illness talking.
But the inner voice can be real loud. She shouts, actually. And she drowns out the logical part of my brain.
So what to do?
Usually, I can bring myself back from my worry spiral by asking myself this:
What evidence do you have that everyone has stopped loving you?
What proof is there that my boyfriend is no longer attracted to me, and doesn’t want to build a life together?
What information has led me to think my mum can’t be bothered being there for me?
When exactly did my best friend tell me that I’m too much for her to deal with?
Even on my darkest days, those people didn’t abandon me. They didn’t throw up their hands and say they couldn’t deal.
So why now? Why when my life is a little sunnier, when I’m stronger, when I have more of a handle on my mental health, would they abandon me?
That’s how I handle these feelings.
I hope sharing my story helps you in some small way. Please feel free to post a little note below, or send me a personal message if you’d like support and some warm fuzzies.
And know this – you are worthy, you are loved, and you are worth knowing.